AMEN, St. Anne's Resource Centre, Railway Street, Navan, Co. Meath
Woman's Way, 11th August, 2009
Men can be Victims too
In the second of our special reports, we look at how domestic abuse can affect men, by Aine Toner
The very idea of men being beaten by women is contrary to many of our ingrained beliefs about the sexes the myth being that only women are victims of domestic abuse. Consequently, female violence against men, despite being a well-documented phenomenon, is almost completely ignored by society. After all, on fi rst glance, it can be diffi cult to imagine how a woman, potentially smaller in stature and strength than her husband or partner, could abuse him physically. But as we know from awareness campaigns, abuse can incorporate physical, mental, emotional and psychological issues, all of which can have a detrimental impact on those abused.
We believe that domestic abuse is not a gender issue, rather a social issue that impacts men, women and children. All domestic abuse victims are entitled to sympathy and equal access to services. Most of the recorded complaints of domestic violence are made by women but the failure of men to complain to the authorities doesn't mean they are not also victimised. Furthermore, if we all consider domestic abuse as something that exclusively happens to women, we cannot expect to fi nd real solutions to the problem for either gender.
It is estimated that 15 per cent of women (one in seven) and six per cent of men (on in 16) have experienced severely abusive behaviour of a physical, sexual or emotional nature from a partner at some time in their lives.
One man in 25 has experienced severe physical abuse; one in 90 has experienced sexual abuse and one in 37 severe emotional abuse.
Men Talking, a study of men's health in the North Eastern Health Board included the following comment on male victims of domestic violence: "Little is known about the needs of men who are victims of domestic violence. These groups of men, in the main, suffer in silence, ostracised by a society that still refuses to accept that women too can be perpetrators of violence."
Of course, we in Woman's Way are not trying to minimise the impact or significance of domestic abuse against women that cannot be understated nor should it be. Rather, we simply want to explain and advance awareness of abuse in all its forms, against both genders and highlight that, long after the physical scars are healed, the psychological scars remain.
The Work of Amen
We are hugely grateful for the help of AMEN for helping us with this article. Founded in December 1997, AMEN is a voluntary group that provides a confidential helpline, support and information for male victims of domestic abuse and their children. It provides information on the legal remedies available to them and assists in making decisions on the options available.
Thanks to the organisation, a number of support groups have been established throughout Ireland where men can share their experiences and provide mutual support to each other.
How common is male abuse?
Even if you've been more seriously injured on a football or rugby pitch, that is not the same thing as being assaulted by your partner or spouse. Abuse may be overt angry outbursts, name-calling or violence or covert more subtle things such as brainwashing. Abuse is insidious; it destroys self esteem and confidence. It may force you to try and change to please your abuser. There are several barriers to disclosure for men:
- Fear of not being believed
- Fear of not being judged or blamed for the abuse (because of social prejudices)
- Fear of revenge by the abuser
- Fear of partner laying false allegations against him if he does disclose which could result in homelessness and losing custody of children
In 2005, the National Crime Council published the first large-scale study which investigated the nature, extent and impact of domestic abuse against men and women in relationships. They found:
- 13 per cent of men suffer physical abuse
- Only five per cent report abuse to the Gardai
- 26 per cent of men suffer domestic abuse when severe and minor abuse are combined
In 2005, a survey of 200 patients attending a Galway city GP practice found one in three patients surveyed had experienced domestic violence with 18.2 per cent of those admitting to it being men. Dr Caitriona Waters who carried out the survey said: "the figure of 18.2 per cent may be an underestimate. There are probably more men out there experiencing domestic abuse but it is difficult for them to volunteer this information."
In the UK, the latest government figures, which take Northern Ireland into account, eight per cent of men said they had experienced domestic violence in 2007-8 compared with 15 per cent of women. Significantly, the figures for the region show more 16 to 29-year-olds said they are victims than 30 to 59-year-olds.
BRENDAN: MY STORY
Facts and figures may detail a number of men who are affected by domestic abuse, how many men still aren't speaking out cannot be ascertained, but Woman's Way spoke to one man who has been through an abusive relationship.
Brendan* (52) was not long in Dublin after enrolling in the Gardai when he met his wife.
"If I was truthful, I knew something wasn't right at the start," he says. "She liked to drink and she got very abusive towards me and other people when she did so.
"I knew she had a problem, but it was small stuff towards me at the start and I didn't take notice, I thought it'd go away. It wasn't something I was used to. She continued to drink and become seriously out of control.
"Before the children, I remember collecting her from a function.
"I had given up drinking and socialising as I was ashamed by how demoralised by her I was.
"She was wearing stiletto heels with steel caps at the end and as I was driving, she started banging my head with one of the shoes until there was a hole in it.
"I felt the blood and didn't know what to do. I didn't want to go to the Gardaias it wouldn't be seen as macho. To this day, I still put my hand up to my head and can feel a hole.
"I hid the [physical] abuse from everybody. I had marks on my face but I played a lot of sport and made excuses. I was in denial that she did this to me.
"It was 15 years before we had children. We lived through the hard times but I stuck with her because I came from the age that you've made your bed, you have to stay in it. I joined Al-Anon, an organisation for people whose partners had problems with alcohol. I started going to one or two meetings a week but built it up to four or fi ve. I knew I had to focus on myself, to start looking after myself.
"Things progressed and we had three children in quick succession [Brendan has a 13-, 11- and nine- year-old] and things got worse.
"She started getting jealous when I was looking after the children as the focus wasn't on her.
"It was like a red rag to a bull if she saw me cooking for them or playing with them.
"She was in love with drink, not with me, not with our children. She'd berate me in front of the children which hurt and confused them. Holidays were an utter nightmare if we went with the kids or not.
"She'd drink all day every day and it twisted her into a monster.
"I trained myself to walk away but I was scared to also as I could get a belt in the back of the head.
"My father was very sick and she blocked the doorway and then the gateway when I wanted to visit him. Later, when we got word that he had died, she was vindictive and didn't want me to go the funeral, or her or the children.
"I got in contact with AMEN and realised I wasn't the only man who was putting up with it. I left and came back to see the children, who wanted to live with me.
"It took a while but when social workers got involved, I thought they were my saviour because they got to see the true picture of what she was like: they came in the morning and saw her still asleep and the children there when they should be at school or in the afternoon when she was drinking and the children hadn't been fed.
"The children were taken into care for three months and while I went to see them, my wife didn't. After lots of sleepless nights and a lot of stress, I got custody of the house and my children.
"My wife sees them under supervision for six hours each week. She's supposed to get help but she still hasn't addressed her issues with alcohol.
"I could have easily walked away but I stood up and said, I am a man, you have to help me'. The system did eventually come together but I stood up and told the truth. I would say to men to speak out and stand up and not to walk away and forget about it as it looks, from society's perspective, that you're guilty. Men hide it for a lot of reasons but simply because they're men. I'm six foot tall and weight 15 stone and my wife is 5ft 2in and weighs seven stone a lot of people would say it [abuse] couldn't happen, so there's a fear in men that they won't be believed."
* Name has been changed
MONAGHAN STUDY
A Study of Male Victims of Domestic Violence commissioned by AMEN was carried out in Co Monaghan. The survey sought to ascertain the views of the men on the type of support systems which should be put in place to deal with male victims of domestic abuse. It had these results:
PHYSICAL ABUSE
- 35 per cent of respondents had been hit with heavy objects
- 15 per cent had been stabbed
- 22 per cent had been threatened with being killed
MENTAL ABUSE
- 85 per cent of abusers threatened to report male victim as the perpetrator
- 80 per cent of men were threatened with being put of their homes
- 73 per cent were threatened with being left with nothing
REPORTING
- 55 per cent did not report the incidents to the Gardai
- 80 per cent of men, when asked why they didn't report the abuse, said the Gardaido not take the issue seriously
- 77 per cent of men felt too ashamed to report any incidents of abuse
HOW TO HELP
If you know someone who is the victim of domestic violence there are some steps you can persuade them to take:
- Keep a diary of all incidents of abuse with dates, times and details
- If youčre injured, get photos if you can of the injuries and report them to your doctor, ensuring you tell him it was due to domestic violence
- Do try and tell your family and friends about the abuse
- If provoked, do not try and retaliate otherwise your partner or spouse can manipulate this
- Seek legal advice as soon as possible
- Seek emotional support and counselling as soon as possible
USEFUL NUMBERS
AMEN 046 907 6864; www.amen.ie
VICTIM SUPPORT (Northern Ireland): 0845 303 0900
www.vicitmsupport.org.uk
VICTIM SUPPORT (Southern Ireland) 01 878 08 70
www.victimsupport.ie
AL-ANON www.al-anon-ireland.org
