Men, don't suffer abuse in silence

Male victims of domestic abuse tend not to report the offence for fear of further reprisals, writes Celine McGillycuddy

'SHE exploded, pulled off her shoe and hit me with the steel heel in the back of my head. I could feel it lodge there, then I felt the blood rush down my neck.

"I just continued to drive us home. All I could think about was getting back to our three children and making sure they were asleep. I didn't even feel the pain. I never saw a doctor, I was too ashamed. My head was a mess, it bled for ages. I still have the scar."

She had called him to collect her from the pub. When he arrived, she came out to say she wasn't ready to go. He waited for 20 minutes before explaining that he had an early shift and couldn't wait any longer. She got in the car and "exploded", shouting, calling him a "queer" and a "loser" before lashing out with her high heels.

"She tried to provoke me to hit her when we got home. It was like she wanted me to lash out, so she could blame me, so I would be as bad as her," he says.

Irish men are being subjected to horrific, terrifying and demoralising abuse -- and it's getting worse, according to Mary Cleary, chairwoman of Amen, an advice group for men affected by domestic violence.

"We've definitely noticed an increase in the numbers of men needing our service. The severity of the abuse has also got worse, and that is very concerning," she says.

Amen recently launched an awareness campaign to encourage men to report abuse and to seek support.

"Only five per cent of men suffering domestic abuse are reporting," says Mary. "We are seeing more men lately who have lost their jobs and who are suffering severe abuse because they can no longer provide certain lifestyles for their partners."

Brian's wife not only tortured him physically, she hounded him emotionally.

"When my dad died, she wouldn't let me go to his funeral. She was raging. I had to lie and say I was going to work just to get out of the house. That night she got in a rage after a few glasses of wine and started breaking up the house. She chased me all over, throwing things at me. I was afraid a knife would land in my back.

"I locked myself in the bathroom. She got a hammer and started breaking down the door. I managed to squeeze myself out the bathroom window. I can still feel that fear now."

But why stay? Why not fight back? For Brian, his wife was a "conniving, malicious, manipulative woman". She'd call the guards and pretend he had threatened her life, or run away with the children to women's shelters pretending that her life was in danger.

"I never once laid a hand on her, but it took years to make the courts and even the guards believe me. Women get the upper hand -- that's why men won't report what's going on, because they don't want to lose their children or their home; they don't want to be branded a wife beater. My wife used to punch me in the face, and then provoke me to hit her back. She'd say, 'Go on, I'll have you in the Joy.'"

Brian is one of the lucky ones. He has escaped a nightmare marriage at the hands of his 5ft 2in, size eight wife. He has possession of the family home and custody of his children. His wife sees them once a week for six hours.

"When we first split up, she was left with the children. She was an unfit mother: she would get drunk and go out driving with them in the car, and they were malnourished. I believe our children would be dead today if I hadn't kept up my fight. I used to have nightmares that she'd drive into the river with the kids."

Brian cares for his children full time and spends his free time helping men who are abused by their partners.

"Lately I've met more young fellas in their 20s and early 30s, big lads in fine jobs with everything going for them. They just can't bring themselves to tell people; they've been emasculated, they're despondent and they're just so ashamed.

"I tell them, 'Don't give in, take photos of your wounds, go to the guards, put your case forward, the truth will win out, so long as you keep at it.'"

According to the National Study of Domestic Abuse of Women and Men in Ireland, 26 per cent of men suffer domestic abuse. But men I spoke to were in disbelief.

"I don't know any man that's ever been beaten up by a girl," said one. Asked if he knew any guy that had ever been slapped across the face by a girl, he said: "Well, that's different. D**'s girlfriend's a nutter. Whenever she's pissed she goes beserk at him. She has given him a fair few slaps when they're out on the town. She even kicked him in the nuts once."

When I suggest this could go on in the home on a more serious level, he says: "Well, he's never told me about it."

Since when has it become acceptable for a woman to get drunk and beat up her boyfriend? Is a slap really nothing to worry about?

A letter came in to Amen recently which read: "My ex-wife attacked me while I was sleeping. I felt heavy blows to my head. Dazed, I woke to see her standing over me with a wooden meat tenderiser with a metal studded head. She is a Jekyll and Hyde -- very sweet with her friends, but turns on me every chance she gets. I have thought of suicide on many occasions."

Only one in 20 men reports such abuse to the gardaí.

"Men need to stand their ground and be counted -- it's these monstrous women who should be ashamed. What could be more manly than standing up for yourself? Don't suffer in silence -- you're not alone," says Brian.